Tag Archives: love

Day Zero with Love

What’s being seen now isn’t a Bad thing… Well, yes its terrible. So. So. Terrible… but that’s beyond the scope of changing right now. What I will observe however, isn’t a country losing its mind, its a world that’s bucking at the notion that the United States president’s role is actually that of “Leader of the free world.”
For so long as an American, or rather someone who’s spent the just around 97% of my life time somewhere within, I’ve taken advantage of the notion that being here it just was what it was, and but everywhere but here, got “this” because some world wars happened and everyone fell in line to the notion that world was no longer the particular nations/state cultures occupied, but collective psyches linked by but a tendril of globalization.
Problem is for the most part those living in the US had a choice about how to feel about the world, but the world didn’t. Our Leader, the most powerful single point on a global map of sovereignty, regardless of military might. The economy they are tasked with, consumes at a rate fueling the rest of the worlds absorption of it, and attempts to replicate it.
But they didn’t have a choice, they were just shown what they had to reach for and they started reaching for it. While the US slowed in progress, everyone else started surpassing it, including those who defined so much of what they US stood for. So they reached and reached, but with the encumbrance of the fact that they weren’t the few who had a voice heard beyond the hearts of of legitimacy.
So what we’re seeing now isn’t a Bad thing. What we’re seeing is social survivalism, every group with enough of a soap box and grievance towards diversification of a singular Human identity into, something more primitive, but also a step back from the notion that the US has sovereignty over pretty much anything that happens on this big old rock.
Yes, whats going to happen here will not be easy, especially for myself and everyone I love, no matter their place in the world. But it might, just might, give the right (conscious) people the kick in the ass they need to drop the constraints of this rigidly classist world as their limiting factor and see that its officially open season to take the reigns of their own destiny, since Lo’ there no longer exists the leader of a the free world but the leader of the free world that would rather trade it for a time when we really did believe in the health effects of cigarettes
The fear for what will come next was inevitable, but I’ve had this fear since the rallying cry of the modern western (white) world became, “blame the other!”
But I mean shit I’d be lying if there wasn’t just an extra shmear of panic at the prospect of what really comes next. Do we go further and further into it? Into the machinations of how we’re different and who’s better? or do we take all the false hope and idealism we were all told as chidlren an adults, and finally fucking put it to good use?
Do we finally take that step forward into what matters, because we can’t do enough in a day after the hours and hours we destroy our selves at jobs we took to keep us stable in this machine? Do we finally look at the machine and say: “you can pay me, but I’m going to work with other parts of other machines and collectively make sure they machines aren’t as oiled as they once were?”
Wherein we as a collective can say we want better for everyone even the ones who would do us harm? Where we can forgive them, but never forget what made them in the first place? Where we can finally look ourselves in the mirror and say: “Hey, the worlds not okay, but I am, so who can i help today?”
Do we want to live in a world where we just complain about the madness but allow the distractions and comforts of modernity, to strip even the most bare of comforts for the future?
I’m gonna say how about we not. How about we accept that the Us v Them thought processes that have been so prevalent, and work in the service of loving the ones who matter. Leaving hate, where it belongs with the fear and panic of the ego.
How about we look at the what we do with our days, and fill them with and answering the the questions of:”What world do we want 10 years from now?”
Still worried about death and the scarcity of resources that plague our pale blue dot? Do something that isn’t “leaving” it to the politicians or someone else, if you see something, do something. Help out your neighbors no matter how much they threaten to call the cops cause their driveway is also their driveway and they always want access, it’ll just make it worse unless we break the cycle of reacting.

Respond to what’s before you with a clear head about what you want, hopefully its love for everything and everyone even if in the end they’ll isolate you. Don’t let the fear win or lose, let it be and observe what really matters, its triumph or our triumph over it.
Yea, the United States president is well… Him. But the schisms of the world just deepened, and maybe, it’ll teach us to remember that all we have are each other, and if we let the monologues of the media dictate our movements, the dialogues that need to happen will always been superficial.

No go, do something for the sake of love, vent your frustrations by putting it into something that matters. Your social media posts will be seen and liked and reposted, but all they’ll do is echo in the vast chamber of the internet. So make your posts, as I am now and remember this is the beginning of the future, how it turns out is up to us, not the people with the red and blue ties, and flag pins.

I love you all, go in peace.

Fade

Eerie, smoky alley I can’t help but walk down, as I look for
the lost souls of the light people, lost to the negative space. They hide in
unfortunate phone calls and rusty bicycles, the ones we can always ignore,
attention would bring memory back to a fading world. Hidden in plain sight, the
very thing I seek is lurking behind the dumpster that you threw that cherry
bomb in that one time. Really it was two cherry bombs, and 3 smoke grenades all
tied at the wick just to see if you could get the lid to fly off.

It was always about
the run though. To see how far you could get before you heard that burst of the
lid and the faded hues of the red, yellow and blue smoke billow out from 3
blocks away, because you’ve managed to run faster than you thought you knew
how. Even as a fat kid skateboarding, sucking down oxygen faster than should be
allowed, the thrill of being one of belonging to something I knew would have to
end, driving the engine that was my confused existence.

The smoke in the alley isn’t of gun powder and burning chalk
though is it, it’s from the decay of the warm flesh all around, being torn to
bits by the decay of the cold, dark night. I look behind to see the decades of
wear and maintenance left abandoned to the elements of the cold city night,
holding still the remnants of regret and acceptance, never reconciled to be
seen as one in the same, past. The wafting scent barely noticeable behind the
thoughts of the memories they conjure, rapaciously getting to the point for
which I stand in such a place.

I never thought this is what I’d see when I’d let go. Taking
the leap into a future of things and “almost had its.” Thought of the memories
but the sights of the dark side of the soul would illuminate in the only place
the feels like home, the vast cavernous emptiness of a city alley, or block,
where everyone can watch from their apartment buildings and their commutes that
waste them so much time. Crushing confectionary objects of vivid super sensory
appeal, while swiping right to feel something once again, as they walk staring
in excitement as they now have a story to fly high above their mast of
connections and perceived plateaus.

This place FEEL’s like home. But home’s not real, it’s just
a figment of a habitual pattern that would resemble something like determination,
scarcely leading into habit that could be mistaken for hope, quickly reminded
that it’s just wishful mis-perception of inaccurate assumptions. It’s an
enticing thought to think, never really acknowledging that this place I’ve
never been, but feels more alive with the deterioration of the world that felt
like it would always just end.

Like driving around in a cab with a former model who
reminded you that the world will always try to fuck you, looking for a place to
sleep. Maybe for one night, maybe two? Sitting there with my entire life in a
duffel bag, and my world in a backpack, I’m reminded that that sitting there
felt better than the bed in the house trying really hard not to kill me but not
trying to stop anyway. So nowhere seems like a good place. To sleep, to dream.

This alley will have to do. I’ve managed to come this far,
how much more will I decipher in an effort to define where it is that I think I
am? Time will continue to pass as I search for the ultimate question to get the
ultimate answer. Only to be told it lives at the tip of my tongue, between the
moments I look at a bright sunny day, while the cool summer wind dances across
my face whispering the jokes God forgets to mention that life is sometimes.
Yes, the razor wind of the alley blows intensely through this valley of annihilation
I’ve chosen to walk, and these are the things I remember, the good times, while
I search for the worst.

The smell grows faint as the physical world returns back to
its realist form, the progressive decay of everything that was once built.
Sustained by external prescriptions of sprays, pills, and the promise of a comfortable
life, the medication everyone knows is killing them, continues to be refilled
for the fear of anything else filling the crater of that void that explodes
into the dust cloud that could haunt your tomorrows. Its smell is fading. The
normality settles into the brackets of the threshold unconcerned with the end
point sought, as a conscious life, dims its ideological waves as the room
changes.

I think I’ve taken ten steps, each one another person I’m
forced to become as this alley’s jagged ground, rattles the pieces of a
consistent mind as the end draws closer. Harder and harder to keep up with the changes, as interactions are repeated through the fog of self-hindrance, guided by blind acceptance of the unknown guiding the unknown, where could it lead? Nobody knows.

Bad jokes are the only language left to speak. Simplicity
lacks context, with its implied subtlety, but maybe sometimes we mean what we say. But we’ve fucked around with it, trying to get it to make sense, and what we think sticks, sticks. The mush of the ground unstable below as the words seem to seep deep into my psyche, without leaving treads along the way.

Habitual over indulgence of negative absolution has left me empty to the voices I know can remind me that from the darkness comes the light. As the lone light of the alley fades its easy to see the logical missteps of breaking things down into their logical paradigms of the pointless meanings sought to impress the next unimpressed perceiver of false accounts.

The fogs thickened, when I wasn’t paying attention. The door i’d forgotten was my final destination doesn’t seem as fun to get to anymore. I’ve been worn inside and out and there’s nothing left of what was there those times of powerful resentment of incongruous outcomes. Shaken to my core, the insert button still hasn’t been turned off, everything overwrites the half finished code that would execute a protocol to become something solidly rickety.

“Breathe” the pores of my skin scream, as the nerves fire adrenaline straight to what I can’t see, becoming plainly obvious that where I am is road I chose never to always be. I wanted to visit the valley of the shadow of death to die in front of myself, not inside myself. There is a beating in my chest once more, one more pulse, I’ll try not to give in, but I’ve already sprinted three blocks back the other way. I haven’t yet taken a breathe, but the smoke behind me rises painting the cloud over the fog I thought I could tempt. Far enough I’ll fade, into anything that seems okay. Fade, and fade, as memories do, I will follow. As I fade into something. New maybe, but mostly what I need.

Clouds bleed, sometimes.

Clouds bleed, sometimes.

Its just Guy love (and Love in General)

They done did it.

They done did it.

I’m sitting here, I should be shivering my face off. Its finally gotten cold in mid-November. Finally, as if I was looking forward to air biting me as i walk down these monolithic streets ignoring every sensory explosion I relive, with every step I take.

But I’m not shivering, hell I’m not even feeling remotely tense, my hat my have been the wrong choice, a slouch, but because of the lack of static electricity generated to produce any sort of warmth, though, but it has always looked cool.

So, I’m sitting here un front of this incredibly modern piece of art, in front of the aptly placed MOMA across the street. What the hell am I doing here, aside from attempting to fulfill and unrequited death wish I’d hoped dispersed years prior.

Well as it so happens, there is work to be done, and words written for people i find so easy to neglect and so hard to ever not love. In particular one persons, or better yet a single whole.

I cannot claim to understand humans, as well as people far more qualified than myself. I mean thats just what they do, though i do take a morally insensitive stance towards looking at them. I mean there’s very little I can truly grasp that the next person that passes me by won’t immediately refute because such is the wonderful randomness of the people I meet.

So, it goes without saying, that I make a lot of grandiose statements about infinity and the fantastic insignificance towards the fact that I bring nothing to the table of this existence.

I feel some days I’m not meant to even belong for my existence is so small ,so infinitesimally bleek in the pantheon of rational thought that, that maybe I would be better served thinking about the inconceivably insignificant, as to appreciate the things that I can’t seem to affect.

Then I think about the insignificant things I never thought I’d be able to appreciate, until it was too late to accept the incredible awe and wonderment that it was while it was there.

Now i may sound like I’m waxing poetic about my own self loathing indignations that i’ve managed to assault myself with. But no this is the truth about the person, who i know to be better, kinder, smarter, and more tolerant of the world, and grounded in a sort of zen in what needs to be done sometimes.

My best friend, now i’ve been using that phrase a lot lately. My right hand as it was for the longest time. I’m not exactly sure what we’ve had to accept and become over the last year alone, i mean we were supposed to have finished a couple albums, and a concept EP by now. But here we are.

Barely, really nothing under our belt except maybe a couple of sampled times while utilizing the street outside my house or the park across the street from yours. The tracks were never really reason we got together, just really an excuse to work together on a thing neither of us had really delved into.

Thats just what we’ve always done though isn’t it. Just jump right in, bright eyed and bushy tailed to fields neither of us could have ever comprehended.
But always having each others proverbial backs. Didn’t matter if it was the occasional existential crisis about how we could possibly be part of the machine we’d always talked about we’d never be a part of but alas here we are working away.

When our hearts were shattered, for one thing or the other, falling inconceivably for the right person at the wrong time, time after time (mostly me really), thank you man. I know i can be an overly emotional ball of what the fuck, and how the fuck did we manage to get here, but you’ve always held yourself firm even in the face of maddening situations and scenarios.

I mean seriously how the hell did we manage to get almost robbed or robbed in the strangest moments.

Or how our own inconceivable naiveté always managed to do things with some sort of disdain, yet you could always hold the wonder and amazement more than I ever could. Cause you saw just a bit more than I did, as I sit behind these crimson glasses i can’t help but cut up everything in my head. You keep me sane man, so again thank you for that.

I love you Brother, because through every insane turn life taken mean more importantly us, we were.

Now, though you say it won’t, you must keep all those things you hold together and give it about 150% more to another person, even though i don’t approve of this overly wishy washy Xanthan gum level of overly excessive and partially self loathing level of emotional acquiescence.

She loves you more than anything and I totally understand why. So I need for you to do me a favor man. I need something from you selfishly, and without protest. Its a request I often relegate to making myself work at but I won’t trust anyone but my most trusted with it.

I request, as all men who seek nothing more than the joys of those around them would hopefully ask. A request I can’t must up the heart to say, and so keep putting expository words in front of one another in an attempt to delay the words being scribbled across this notebook as i sit here on this train.
A request that could change a person, in the time it took for a street light to change. A request so specific and unlike me, with all my fucked up subtlety and warpedness i can’t seem to fuck up saying.

By the powers vested in my by nothing and no one, through the 25th circuit court of wherever, I need to be by the sounds that carry in this universe perpetually, infinitesimally and the beauty that i can’t even begin to describe in words, as they would not do it justice, by my God’s will and so on and the such.

I request that you Love.

Love as if time stopped and eternity was a tiny midi keyboard you plugged into all the sounds of life in all the moments that ever were in that moment that this moment that time had frozen.

Love like gravity on earth wasn’t a fixed constant of acceleration, that you could feel it anchor you as if falling into the sun. A million Billion kinds of chemical reactions wouldn’t understand how not to perfectly acquiesce as you love her til the end of everything. Because the relativity of time should not stop you either, I hope you even love at the tip of a singularity so the love you have can never fade, for it will never end as gravity well will let you drink in each other for eternity and beyond.

Never let the little things get in the way either, but use them as the things to remind you to always love. Don’t not love life, cause sometimes it really hard, I know, but with you the you two there’s enough strength, power, (and most important of all) because of that love and care feel ever so rare these days.

Love the adventures, the unwanted,sometimes unpleasant. And never let having to NOT love some parts, change your love. Never let things that love cannot spread with dilution, it is there an it should always be.

To my best friend, through the thick and the thin (Literally), thank you for being there, and with all the love I can give, congratulations mother fucker!

And don’t think I forgot about you, Miss.
She who turned my best friends into one of the best people, thank you for everything you’ve done.

I already loved you as much as I love Ed, but if I missed any of that love through my own misadventures and sometimes overly confusing life, I give that you as well.

You two are the best, and if you know anything about me, its that I keep my standards obscenely high: my standards don’t come close to who you two really are. Congratulations kids.

So much of it.

So much of it.